Recently, I've been intrigued by the idea that when we wear rose colored glasses, red flags just look like flags. It's been said by many people, and I often ponder on it and say it to others. Even Kelly Clarkson calls herself a red flag collector. But, why do we do it? Why do we ignore the flags. I can confidently say that sometimes we purposefully ignore the flags. Or we think we can love the flags so much that they will no longer be red. Or, maybe that flag just isn't important, we think...I am not immune to ignoring the red flags. We therapists do nonsenical things, too. What do ya know...
In talking with friends, it seems there are some answers, but also some unknowns. We may ignore the flags because we are used to giving others unlimited amounts of grace, while neglecting our own needs and wants. We may ignore them because we think we can change the person, or we are the ones that need to change in order to make things better. We ignore them because we are used to them.
So many things influence our interpesonal patterns, especially childhood experiences. We often mimic what we see. Or we try to get someone else to fill the voids we feel. But, I believe we are the only ones that can fill our own voids. If we depend on other people to do it, we will be left with that same void (maybe more) if that person leaves.
I have found helpful ways to be mindful of red flags:
Ask close friends to help identify concerns
Document red flags, yellow flags, and green flags (these are defined individually)
Reflect on previous relationships and interactions to identify any commonalities
Seek out ways to explore and process relationship patterns
What's been your experience with identifying red flags? Do you ignore them?
-Dr. B
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